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Relationship Therapy

Desire Discrepancy in Long-Term Relationships

People who have been together for a long period of time will naturally experience ups and downs in their relationship. They contend with raising children, working, money issues, and illnesses in the family or in the extended family.

When stressful events happen or as the couple gets older, hormone levels fluctuate. They must deal with the challenges (and pressures) of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship while dealing with all of the other normal issues of life. And all of this can cause desire discrepancy between them.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy is when one partner in a relationship wants sex more frequently than the other. In couples who experience this discrepancy, it can lead to an overall decreased satisfaction with their relationship.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-V or DSM-5) calls the lower desire levels hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), or inhibited sexual desire, and ascribes the same condition to both men and women. The symptoms of this are a decreased desire for sexual intercourse or activity, a reduction in sexual thoughts or feelings, a decreased frequency of initiating sexual activity, and unresponsiveness to attempts at sexual activity.

What Causes This Sexual Problem in Long-Term Partnerships?

For one thing, women who are going through menopause, or have already been through it, have to deal with fluctuating hormone levels. These menopause-related issues can cause painful intercourse or problems reaching orgasm, and these factors can reduce her levels of desire for sex.

Similarly, men go through andropause as they get older, and this can cause erectile dysfunction. When this occurs, one or both partners may blame themselves or the other person, and this causes frustration and a lack of desire in the relationship.

Unhealthy Thinking in a Romantic Relationship

If a man thinks or feels that his wife is angered by him or frustrated with him, he will perceive a lack of desire on her part. Those roles can be reversed with the husband feeling like his wife does not feel sexually attracted to him.

However, the perceived imbalance is often greater than the actual imbalance, and a sex therapist can help both of you understand what is going on in your relationship. Many studies of long-term couples have found that the perceived imbalance is often simply due to a lack of communication between both partners. 

Marriage and Sex Therapists in Montclair

The best way to get past desire discrepancy is by talking about it with a trusted professional and getting their advice and feedback. Keep your relationship going strong by seeing an experienced marriage counselor who specializes in relationship issues, including ones that center around the bedroom.

Here in Montclair, New Jersey, our team at Advanced Psychology Partners are experts in all areas of sexual counseling for different types of people in different walks of life. Call us today at (973) 534-5333 or request a consultation, and let us help your relationship overcome desire discrepancy. We are here to assist couples and help you understand each other.

Consensual Non-Monogamy: What Does It Mean?

Simply put, consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term for what is more commonly referred to as swinging, polyamory, or other ethically “open” relationships. And while consensual non-monogamy has become a hot topic of national conversation, the practice of a couple staying together but seeking outside physical, romantic and/or emotional coupling is nothing new. What you might not know is that those involved in these relationships take their lifestyle very seriously and due to potential complexities, often are far better at laying out rules and discussing feelings and situations than many monogamous couples. Consensual non-monogamy may be nothing new, but for too many couples, taking a dip in this water brings with it high risk. Consensual non-monogamy:  what does it mean, and why should you care?

Why Consensual Non-Monogamy?

Marriage vows are something to be taken very seriously. The same is true of those who have committed to long-term relationships. Consensual non-monogamy may have found its place when couples choose to stay together, but for whatever reason, go outside the marriage or bond to satisfy any number of needs. It could be that a couple chooses to explore sexual satisfaction elsewhere with a member of their own or opposite sex; perhaps a couple wants to include another member or couple into their relationship. Sometimes divorce simply is not in the cards and it just makes sense to keep a marriage amicable but seek outside relationships. No matter the reason, the keyword is “consensual” – no secrets and no affairs. Oftentimes with consensual non-monogamy, a contract or rules of engagement are followed and updated, as the scenario or participants see fit.

Types of Non-Monogamous Relationships 

There are many types of non-monogamous relationships and each has its own set of rules, although some do overlap in places.

  • Polyamory has been described as the practice of and desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner with the consent of all parties involved. Those who engage in polyamory see the practice as ethical, consensual, and responsible non-monogamy, although that may slowly be changing; in a more modern context, traditional polyamory is evolving into more non-monogamous, multi-partner, non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.
  • Group marriage is when several people form a single familial unit and each is considered to be married to the others. More specifically, “line families” are group marriages that are continual over time: as older an older member pass away, new younger members are brought in as replacements until all the people who created the union are long gone but the union still stands. Poly families are similar to group marriage except members do not necessarily consider all partners as spouses.
  • Polyfidelity is when participants have multiple sexual partners, but all are part of a larger, closed group.
  • Polygamy occurs when a spouse has more than one spouse. In many cases, one spouse has no clue his or her spouse has another spouse (or family). If this is the case, it is not considered consensual non-monogamy as no consensus has been reached. However —
    • Polygyny is a form of polygamy in which one man can have several wives and all act together in concert as one big married family.
    • Polyandry is a result of one wife, having multiple husbands.
  • Open relationships or open marriages permit one or both members in a committed relationship to explore sexual activity with other partners. This often has a set of boundaries, although some practitioners have no boundaries. Swinging is similar to open relationships, except that the rituals are conducted as an organized social activity.

Agreement through Consensus

Surprisingly, statistics show that persons involved in serial monogamy scored far lower in trust and higher in jealousy than those in polyamorous. This likely has to do with the open communication necessary to develop agreement through consensus. Do any of these arrangements sound good to you? Not so fast. Before you and your partner jump into a non-monogamous relationship, it is wise to seek guidance from an expert. When done right and with care, non-monogamous relationships can be successful and nurturing. Some may even bring a couple closer together. To be sure it’s right for you, it’s best to meet with a therapeutic professional who specializes in all types of non-traditional arrangements. Located in Montclair, Advanced Psychology Partners’ sex and relationship experts Donna Lobiondo and Eric K. Larsen have years of experience discussing these sometimes awkward subjects are here to help you and your loved one make wise and informed decision. Call them today at (973) 743-2990 or, request a complimentary meet and greet to see if one of these lifestyle changes can benefit your existing relationship.

Five Signs It’s Time to See a Marriage Counselor

It’s not enough that two people love each other and want to be together. Successful relationships take a lot of work. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that what may start off as a small issue can develop into a serious problem that could affect the future and health of the relationship. Before this happens, it’s a good idea to consider seeking help from a licensed and trained professional. But how do you know when it’s time to stop relying on your best friend or co-workers for advice and seek out professional help? Here are five signs that it may be time to see a marriage counselor.

Communicating Has Become Difficult

At the beginning of the relationship, most couples talk about anything and everything, often sharing their most intimate thoughts and dreams. However when partners begin to withhold dialogue and communication, professional help may be in order. Maintaining that open and honest level of communication is one of the most vital aspects of a healthy relationship – especially as relationships become weighted down with familial, professional, financial and social obligations. When communications have become stressed or barely existent, a marriage counselor can help reopen those lines and promote healthy communication skills and behaviors.

Trust Has Been Broken or Abused

Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. So it’s no wonder that infidelity is one of the most stressful events a relationship can experience.  In some cases, the seemingly harmless flirty tweets or messages posted on social media can be enough for a partner to feel discarded and hurt. And while some might believe that infidelity has to be sexual in nature, cheating could also mean hiding finances, addictions, identity concerns or any other issue. Where trust is broken or abused, expect a lot of work to salvage the relationship. In these cases, a marriage counselor can serve as a mediator to help repair the gap where trust may no longer exist.

Stuck in a Bad Groove

Remember the movie “Groundhog Day,” in which the title character is forced to relive the same day, every day, until he accepts change? When a relationship is stuck in the same groove – consistently repeating the same bad behaviors and diving down the same rabbit holes – it may be time to seek out professional assistance.  Nobody can change the past, but with the help of a marriage counselor these behaviors and issues can be addressed in a fresh light with a focus on strategies to overcome them.

A Life-Altering Event Happens

Many couples experience problems, but when a life-changing event happens like the birth of a child or loss of a job, the effects can be overwhelming to the status quo. Learning to navigate through these uncharted territories may require a guide with the experience and know-how to see you though to calmer waters. There are very few scenarios a marriage counselor hasn’t seen, and with that experience and compassion they can get you through.

Mutual Support Isn’t There

We all strive for validation, especially from our partner. When a partner feels as if they are no longer receiving support or encouragement from the other, communication and trust can wear down. Involving friends or family, or worse, involving children, can only seek to divide and create animosity. The best bet is to seek help from a marriage counselor who can bring issues into the open and bring in unbiased expertise.

Don’t Delay

Making the choice to pursue couples counseling is a huge step toward validating and saving a relationship. At Advanced Psychology Partner, we know relationships take work. If you are experiencing problems in your relationship, contact the professionals at Advanced Psychology Partners by calling (973) 534-5333 or, request your free consultation. We are here to help.

Polyamory vs. Open Marriage: What Does Each Relationship Type Mean?

Contrary to what many people believe, monogamy isn’t the only type of marital or committed relationship that people participate in. There are several types of modern-day relationships that cater to different people’s unique preferences.

Flexible ways of living in a non-monogamous relationship are being brought to light. Some people are gravitating to two kinds of non-monogamy – polyamory and open marriage – as a non-traditional way to live. Let’s discuss these two lifestyles.

What Is Open Marriage?

Open marriage is a blanket term for all kinds of consensual non-monogamy that could include swinging, polyamory, and condoned affairs. The key similarity among all of these is consent of all adults involved.

While some participants engage in this practice within their own religious affiliation, such as Muslims or Mormons practicing polygyny (whereby one male has multiple wives or female partners), others fall into the more progressive category for personal preferences.

Swingers

Swinging is the most well-known and most popular form of non-monogamy in marriage relationships. Broadly, it involves the consensual switching of partners for sexual purposes, usually at parties. It involves two or more couples getting together as a group and sharing each other’s spouses.

BDSM

Another type of practice that has gained notoriety through the book and movie Fifty Shades of Grey is BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism). BDSM often involves mainly bondage and domination, but contrary to popular belief, this practice doesn’t always include sex.

BDSM is more about exploring boundaries, emotions, and fantasies. Sado-masochism involves deriving sexual enjoyment while experiencing pain, and/or of inflicting pain or humiliation on another person.

What Is Polyamory?

There has been a recent influx of shows featuring unconventional relationships that include more than one person. These relationships notably display polyamory, which is being committed to and in love with two or more people at the same time.

Polyamory derives its meaning from the Greek word poly meaning many, and the Latin word amare meaning love – therefore, many loves. This is quite different from hidden, secretive affairs – polyamory implies full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

Contrast this with an open marriage relationship, which mostly centers around lighthearted sex with others outside the marriage. Polyamory means actually being in love with more than one person.

For some people participating in polyamory, there’s a certain misunderstanding of their dynamic. In many cases, polyamorous people will have one “anchor” family that they live with, and other relationships outside of that core group. It can be seen as a way to reduce the restrictions of a more traditional marriage.

However, open relationships should not be used as a way to soften the blow of someone who actually wants to break up or divorce, or to transition out of a committed situation – or, conversely, to keep such a relationship alive. Being open and honest with all adults involved is of utmost importance in all sexual and romantic relationships.

Sex Therapists in New Jersey

A sex-positive and sex-affirming sex and relationship therapy practice, Advanced Psychology Partners is your source for mental health, couples therapy, and sex therapy services. Our therapy sessions are completely confidential, and we’re open to talk about anything you want to talk about.

Whether you have concerns or questions regarding sexual preferences, or you are hoping to resolve couple conflicts or to eradicate sexual problems, we are here for you. For more information, call us at (973) 534-5333, or request a complimentary meet-and-greet with a therapist. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sex Therapy: What Men and Women Should Know

Sexual health is an essential component of any individual’s physical and emotional well-being; more so when two individuals are in a sexual relationship such as dating or married. If you or your loved one is experiencing trouble in that department, it can be an extreme stressor to the relationship, as well as to the individuals involved. Unfortunately, many people think that something is wrong with them, and are ashamed or embarrassed to reach out for guidance or assistance. While it’s clear something might not be right, it doesn’t mean there’s anything inherently wrong. Sex therapy is a safe and open environment where a professional focused on achieving sexual health in a relationship and the people involved.  Here are some things you should know about sex therapy.

What to Expect

When you find a sexual psychologist you want to work with, you’ll be doing a lot of talking and introspection. You definitely won’t be “practicing” anything during your sex therapy sessions, though your psychologist will more than likely give you some “homework” to do before you meet again.  The main topics of discussion will vary between individuals and couples, though there are some core factors that are integral for sexual health.

Put It All Out There

Emotions play a huge role when it comes to sex. It’s not simply a matter of being “turned on.” Low confidence from a physical incapacity, a desire think may be deemed inappropriate or embarrassing, or simply something weighing heavily on their mind are just some of the reasons that may be getting in the way of having the best sex of your lives. There’s no need to feel afraid or self-conscious about your sexuality when talking to a sex therapist. They have heard it all. Be as honest and clear as possible in your conversations. They want to help you achieve comfort and confidence in your sexuality. If you can’t be open with a sexual psychologist, who can you be open with?

Body Talk

Not to be confused with body language, talking about your physical capabilities is a major component to helping you have a sexuality breakthrough. We’re not just talking libido. Physical issues, such as vulvodynia or impotence, pain or soreness; even concern about taste or odors are important discussions to have with your therapist. They will be able to refer you to a medical specialist and the two professionals will work together to get you to your “happy ending.”

It Takes Two to Tango

Sex therapists can, and often do, work with couples. Though not necessary, it can be helpful to bring your partner to discuss their sexual concerns and needs. Being mindful of your partner makes for a rounded relationship overall, not just sexually. You may even make some surprising discoveries about your partner, and yourself.

Get healthy, get happy, and get it on. Achieve sexual health with the professionals at Advanced Psychology Partners. Serving patients of all sexual orientation, Advanced Psychology Partners offers personalized, results-oriented therapy in a comfortable, private environment. Choose the therapist you wish to confide in and you will be treated with the utmost discretion, compassion, and respect. To take the first step to sexual satisfaction, contact us today.  Call 973-534-5333 for Donna LoBiondo or 973-980-0409 for Eric K. Larsen.

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